Archive for September, 2008

If Sarah were Sam and Joe were Josephine (the Palin Photoshop)

UPDATE: (CNN) – Prominent conservative columnist Kathleen Parker, an early supporter of Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin, said Friday recent interviews have shown the Alaska governor is “out of her league” and should leave the GOP presidential ticket for the good of the party.

“If BS were currency, Palin could bail out Wall Street herself,” Parker also writes. “If Palin were a man, we’d all be guffawing, just as we do every time Joe Biden tickles the back of his throat with his toes. But because she’s a woman — and the first ever on a Republican presidential ticket — we are reluctant to say what is painfully true.”


I have had many male friends say to me, “Kelly, you’re an intelligent woman. What’s your take on Sarah Palin?”

When John McCain first announced Palin as his running mate my first reaction was one of excitement. Yippee, a woman! I saw her speak and she had charisma, was attractive and seemed intelligent. Then I dug a little deeper.

I had to ask myself, what if Sarah Palin were a man? Would McCain have chosen a man with the same resume? No way.

So, let’s imagine just for a moment that Sarah Palin is “Sam” Palin and Joe Biden is “Josephine” Biden, and let’s take a look at their resumes.

Democrat, has been a senator since 1972 (36 years) and was first elected at age 29, making “her” the youngest person ever elected to the senate. She is chairman of the senate’s Foreign Relations Committee. She is from Delaware and is married with three children.

Republican, has been governor of Alaska for almost two years. Before that he served as mayor of Wasilla, a small town outside of Anchorage. He has no national or international political experience and obtained his first passport in 2007. He is from Alaska and is married with five children.

Once you get past the obvious differences in the experience level you have to ask yourself about some of the other issues, and here’s where opinion comes in.

Things I don’t care about:

I don’t care that Palin’s 17-year old daughter is pregnant.

I don’t care that she hunts and fishes.

Things I care about:

I care about political agenda. Palin is a right-wing pro-lifer who doesn’t support abortion in any circumstance, including rape and incest.

I care that she seems to step on whoever’s in her way to get what she wants and further her own agenda.

I care that she hadn’t been off this continent until last year.

McCain is older, and being President of the United States has to be one of the most stressful jobs on the planet. If elected, Palin is one heart attack away from becoming president. That’s a very scary thought to me, because I don’t believe she has the political chops and I don’t believe she has any intention of representing this country fairly, but has every intention of furthering her own religious agenda.

I just have to ask Senator McCain, what were you thinking???

And for the women who are Palin supporters, would you support a man with the same resume?

This is a link to an article on Snopes, just so you know it’s true: Alaska Women Reject Palin

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Are You Sick of Hearing about Palin Yet? And the latest Tina Fey SNL video…

So, Cabana Boy calls me from some mooring in the San Juan Islands last week, having had a few rum drinks with the boys, and says, “I think McCain threw the election.” WTF? Was he drunk or was he right?

I think he was sober!

He went on to explain his theory saying that no one in their right mind would have picked Sarah Palin as a running mate if they truly wanted to win the election. And no one in their right mind would want to inherit this mess of an economy, the war in Iraq, the healthcare crisis, etc.

Who would actually want the job?

A quote from the September 4th, 2008, issue of The Economist magazine:

McCain had met Mrs. Palin only once, for a 15-minute chat at the National Governors’ Association meeting, before summoning her to his ranch for her final interview. The New York Times claims that his team arrived in Alaska only on August 28th, a day before the announcement.

I watched the interview Palin had with Katie Couric and I just sat there with my mouth open, shaking my head in disbelief. See for yourself.

Here’s part of the transcript if you can’t watch the video:

COURIC: You’ve cited Alaska’s proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

PALIN: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and on our other side, the land– boundary that we have with– Canada. It– it’s funny that a comment like that was– kind of made to– cari– I don’t know, you know? Reporters–
PALIN: Yeah, mocked, I guess that’s the word, yeah.
COURIC: Explain to me why that enhances your foreign policy credentials.
PALIN: Well, it certainly does because our– our next door neighbors are foreign countries. They’re in the state that I am the executive of. And there in Russia—
COURIC: Have you ever been involved with any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?
PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth. We– we do– it’s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is– from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there. They are right next to– to our state.
Would someone who’s a Republican please explain this decision to me? Seriously.

If you’re a Republican, who do you think would have been a better choice?

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Cabana Boy and the $16 Scallop

Cabana Boy and I had an interesting dining experience last week, and he beat me to the punch with his blog “The $16 Scallop.” Not to be outdone, I’ve decided to write my own version!

Cabana Boy starts: Every once in a while we are served bullshit.”

Yes that about sums up the entire experience. However, I will expand for the sake of you dear reader!

One evening last week Cabana Boy and I decided we were still quite ravenous even after polishing off a plate of potato chips and a couple of pints at the Lucky Lab, so we wandered down to Carlye for more sustenance.

Carlye is very unpretentious on the outside (located under an overpass in the Pearl District of Portland), but you soon realize when you walk through the door that you have just arrived in the land of $10 cocktails and food that’s more fancy than filling.

The waitress came over, introduced herself and rattled off the evening’s specials which included an appetizer of pan seared scallops. Cabana Boy knows I love the pan seared scallops and insisted I order that for an appetizer. As he readily points out in his blog he was paying, so order the $16 scallops I did. I also asked for an order of bread, yes an “order” of bread. Three dollars for bread and butter! Strike one.

We also ordered a salad of butter lettuce with some fancy dressing, and an entrée of roasted chicken to share. We asked for the scallops and salad to be brought out first as the appetizer, but all three dishes arrived at the same time. Strike two.

When the “scallops” arrived I thought there was a mistake. As Cabana Boy put it in his blog, “One lonely pan-seared mollusk sat in a sea of white china; a small flower by its side.” It’s true. One scallop and what looked like an edible flower, with some fancy drizzle of something occupying the rest of the real estate. I can just hear the chef giggling to himself as he instructs his assistant, “Just drizzle this brown stuff in a fancy pattern in the white space and it will look like a meal!”

Actual size of scallop:

I was waiting for a second plate to come out. Maybe they split the order. We did make it clear we were splitting everything. But no second plate appeared.

I looked at Cabana Boy and said, “Didn’t she say ‘scallops’ as in more than one?”

Even if she didn’t say “scallops” we both decided that $16 was just highway robbery for one scallop, so Cabana Boy called the waitress over.

Cabana Boy describes it this way, “Cabana Boy swung into action with all the frenzy of a cocktail blender.” A cocktail blender? More like the Tasmanian Devil dear! With visible steam coming out of his ears, he asked, “Excuse me, but we ordered the pan seared scallops. That’s scallops plural, and there only seems to be one on the plate. Sixteen dollars is a little steep for a single scallop, don’t you think?”

“I only do as I’m told,” the waitress replied.

Are you kidding me? What kind of response is that? Are you a Stepford Wife or a waitress?

“I’d like to talk to the chef please,” Cabana Boy asked with all the calm he could muster. The waitress disappeared and was soon replaced with a tall thin man in a suit who was most definitely NOT the chef.

“What seems to be the problem sir?” the suit asked with all the authority of a wet blanket.

I could see the Tasmanian Devil was about to resurface in Cabana Boy, but was thankfully replaced by a slightly continental British accent only reserved for situations such as this.

“Well, the waitress described the appetizer special as pan seared scallops not pan seared scallop, so we’re a bit disappointed in tonight’s catch. Do you regularly charge $16 per scallop?” CB said, testing the waters.

“Sir, the chef sets the prices. He has been basically giving away the store lately so we have adjusted the prices,” the suit said, passing the buck. Strike three.

No one wanted to take responsibility for the fact that someone thought they could get away with charging $16 for a single scallop and a flower. The thin man in the suit did offer to take the lonely scallop off the bill, which to his credit was the best he could do at that point.

Cabana Boy ends his blog with a simple moral of the story: “Perhaps the lesson is that when it comes to bullshit be aware of its innumerable disguises and never ever be afraid to address it by its real name.”

Its real name is Carlye! The website says:

Carlyle, for many, is an oasis. Located within the ever-expanding Pearl and warehouse districts of Northwest Portland, its intimate cherry wood bar and tailored urban appointments invite an evening of quiet luxury, impeccable service, and rarefied culinary adventure

Yep. It’s a culinary adventure all right, or rather an adventure in culinary BS.

Now on a happy note, there are two restaurants I CAN recommend.

I can whole heartedly recommend the food at Paley’s Place on NW 21st. Sit at the bar and enjoy the company of the two bartenders Chris and John, while eating the homemade spicy potato chips.

And, the Cabana Boy and I just had a fabulous meal at Paragon last night. Not only was the food wonderful, but the waitress knew her wine and brought out three wines for me to taste before I made my choice. She was attentive but unobtrusive. The perfect combination as far as I’m concerned.

Happy dining!

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$118 Million Buys a lot of Shoes

I drive by the big Powerball billboard on my way home from work every day, and right now it’s sitting at a cool $102 million.

So, like any normal person driving by that billboard on their way home from a long day at work I start fantasizing about what it would be like to actually win that jackpot. However, the other day my thought process didn’t quite go the way you might expect. No, it took a detour to the dark and twisted zone before it went the usual route to Fantasyland.

The first thought that popped into my head was not what would I do with all that money, but what would happen to me if I won that money.

  1. Both of my ex husbands would think they had some sort of right to that money, and I’d have letters from lawyers in my mailbox within a week. Sick and twisted but probably true.

  1. I’d have a bunch of marriage proposals in my Inbox, in my voicemail and on my front doorstep. Hey, could happen!

After those two thoughts occupied my head for a while I got down to the business of the real fantasy.

  1. My sisters and I own a cabin in Lake Tahoe, but a cousin of ours owns a piece of it too. I’d buy her out and fix it up so my sisters, the kids and I could enjoy it, and I’d still let my cousin use it.

  1. I’d buy Cabana Boy a bitchin’ sailboat, because he’s a sailor who wants to sail around the world under the power of wind and water, and everyone deserves to be granted one fantasy in life.

  1. My kids would learn about world history on location around the world. Forget the history books! I’m taking them to every continent to explore!

  1. Every kid deserves the chance for a good education no matter where they live, what school district they’re in, or how much money they don’t have. I’ll travel around the country like the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes prize patrol people and hand out scholarships to motivated kids who can’t afford higher education.

  1. I’m building a life-size replica of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and turning it into a tourist destination. Chocolate fountains for all!

  1. I’m subsidizing good daycare for single parents who have to work.

  1. Spa day for all of my good girlfriends once a month.

  1. Britney Spears needs some underwear. I’m sending her a 12-pack of Jockey boy shorts.

  1. I’m buying myself a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes!

Would I quit my job? Hell yes! Are you kidding me?! I would write for fun instead of a paycheck.

What would you do with a windfall of $102 million? Don’t get all technical on me and tell me I have to pay taxes on that. Let’s just assume you net $102 million.

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