Cheers and Jeers: Time Magazine, MIPO, FLDS, and more…

Cheers to my friend Jim for letting me crash a birthday party at his house on Saturday afternoon. The champagne, wine, barbecued chicken, the company, and the cupcakes from Saint Cupcake were all divine.

Jeers to the grass seed that’s making me miserable right now. Cheers to the Canadian pharmacy that sells me 90 tabs of Zyrtec for $19.95 when the pharmacies here want $24.95 for 30 tabs.

Cheers to my running buddies Janet, Jean, Pamela, and Debbie for running the Hippie Chick Half Marathon with me on Saturday morning.

Cheers to Jean for passing on her iPod to me when she finished the quarter marathon. I discovered at the start of the race that my iPod was totally wiped clean. No music for the first seven miles! Ugh!

Jeers to the Hippie Chick race organizers who thought that serving Cinnabon cinnamon rolls at the end of the race was a good idea. WTF? In the same booth as Jamba Juice!!!

Cheers to my friend Steve for coming over and cooking a fabulous curry last night. Cheers to Leslie for bringing dessert. Good friends. Good times.

Jeers to the old geezers at the FLDS’s Yearning For Zion Ranch in Eldorado, Texas, who think it’s their God given right to force underage underage girls to marry them.

Jeers to Time Magazine for publishing this cover before some of us even have a chance to vote. Way to make people feel like they have a voice.

Cheers to MIPO (Micro-enterprise Inventors Program of Oregon) for helping minorities and women (me) start businesses. You guys/gals rock!

Any Cheers or Jeers you’d like to add? I’ll be adding more later.

The Swell Season: The Room was Full of Honesty

The room was full of honesty.

I don’t know any other way to describe it.

Many weeks ago I bought two tickets to see The Swell Season play the Keller Auditorium. The only seats I could get were near the back, Row DD, but I’m lucky I got those because the concert was completely sold out in a matter of days.

Tonight I sat in Row DD in the aisle seat. At the opposite end of my row was my friend Jim (yes, just a friend), the first person I saw the movie Once with, back when it first came out in theaters.

Seated next to me was my ex boyfriend. Yes, my ex. Why did I bring him? Because when I bought the two tickets I bought them for us. When we broke up a few weeks back I told him I had given his ticket away, but the truth is I couldn’t give it away (literally or figuratively). I tried! I asked a lot of girlfriends. I asked my son Ashton. No one could go. So, I swallowed my bitterness and my pride and asked him if he’d like to go. Despite the fact that we had broken up, he was still the person I wanted to share the experience with.

So there I sat, in the same row with the first friend I had ever seen the movie with, and the last friend I had ever seen the movie with. Out of thousands of people, there we were.

Down in Row P was my friend Michael and his girlfriend Jody. Once was the first movie they had seen together.

What does this all mean? It means that the room was full of honesty. Every single person in that auditorium was there because the movie or the music had touched their lives in some way. For Michael and Jody it was happy memories of a first movie date. For me it was bittersweet.

For Joseph (a guy in the audience), it was a chance meeting with Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova on a Portland Street this afternoon that turned his dream into reality tonight, when Glen asked him to come up on stage and sing a song. He chose “Brandy” and we gave him a standing ovation for having the guts to live his dream.

Yes the room was full of honesty…and music…and friends…and in the words of Glen Hansard it was “fucking brilliant!”

Falling Slowly

Glen Hansard – Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
Always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ve made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along


Glen Hansard – Lies Lyrics

I think it’s time, we give it up
And figure out what’s stopping us
From breathing easy, and talking straight
The way is clear if you’re ready now
The volunteer is slowing down
And taking time to save himself

The little cracks they escalated
And before you know it was too late
For making circles and telling lies

You’re moving too fast for me
And I can’t keep up with you
Maybe if you slowed down for me
I could see you’re only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn

The little cracks they escalated
And before you know it is too late
For making circles and telling lies

You’re moving too fast for me
And I can’t keep up with you
Maybe if you’d slowed down for me
I could see you’re only telling
Lies, lies, lies
Breaking us down with your
Lies, lies, lies
When will you learn

So plant the thought and watch it grow
Wind it up and let it go

MySpace: Invasion of the Facebook Apps!

MySpace is turning into another Facebook. I hate to say it, but it’s true. The very thing that so irritated me on Facebook is now on MySpace: the stupid apps!

You think performance was bad before? Just wait. When 200 million people start playing with these apps this ship’s going to sink.

I’m going to cry now.

My Cell Phone is Full of Johns

Originally posted on MySpace on April 14, 2008.

I went out for a much-needed night with “the girls” on Saturday night. I put “the girls” in quotes because there were actually two guys who ended up tagging along as well, and we made them honorary girlfriends for the evening. Note: I rarely go out to bars with just women. I usually take at least one “Honorary Girlfriend” (a guy friend) along to balance out the Estrogen factor, and to protect us from the pickup artists.

The Posse:

The Muse

The Janet

The Debbie

Glitter Boy (a.k.a. John)

The Patrón Peddler (that’s Patrón as in the tequila, a.k.a. Steve)

The Plan:

Head to Comedy Sportz for a night of improv comedy, and wing it from there.

The evening started out at Janet’s house with four women enjoying their glasses of wine in Janet’s home office, while checking out the men in her Inbox on one of the dating websites. The Janet was still in her robe, complaining that it was too hot to get dressed just yet (Note: it was only 75 degrees, but that’s a heat wave for us this time of year).

Janet finally got dressed, and we hit the road for Comedy Sportz in NW Portland. The Patrón Peddler pulled up at about the same time as us and asked us if we’d like to step up to the bar for a shot of, what else, Patrón tequila (hence the nickname). Let’s call him PP for short. I’m tired of typing Patrón Peddler. The PP had just gotten back from a few weeks in Mexico, where he had leased a piece of beachfront property, so he was very much in fiesta mode.

I introduced the PP to The Janet and The Debbie, and Janet gave him a great piece of advice. She said, “You can’t just introduce yourself as Steve. When you meet a woman you have to say, hi my name is Steve and I own beachfront property in Mexico.” Yes, she was joking but I thought it was pretty funny.

The PP whipped out the Patrón, some salt and some plastic cups. Hey, where’s the lime?” Janet said.

“Wait!” said the PP, “I have an orange. We’ll improvise.”

Janet’s phone rings“Hey where are you?” she says to Glitter Boy just as we see his shadowy figure approaching the makeshift bar on Kearney. We all start waving frantically to the man in the shadows who is approaching with trepidation.

“Welcome,” says the PP. “Step up to the bar.”

Introductions all around. This is Glitter Boy, also known as John, blah blah blah.

“Come on, let’s go inside! The show’s about to start,” I say.

We go inside, I give hugs all around (because I used to perform there and I haven’t seen these people in a while), and we take our places in the third row.

We are determined to have a good time!

The show starts, and you can tell in the first five minutes that our row will be the loudest, most raucous in the entire place.

And it starts with me. The referee asks for a European accent for the game of Replay, and I yell, “Dutch!” I get the stink eye from the team that has to play their scene in Dutch, but I know they’ll have fun with it, because no one knows what the heck a Dutch accent sounds like. They usually get French or British. No! I want to see Dutch! And it was one of the funniest scenes all night. The final scene was a pile up of three suggestions: Dutch accent, Horror genre and hysteria. Fantastic.

Then came the game of Pick up Lines (or something) and Janet volunteers to be the victim. She sits on a stool while the two teams vie for her votes with their lousy pickup lines.

And then there was the call for, “I need the name of your favorite movie within the last year,” to which Debbie replied, “Because I Said So!” WTF? Debbie , did you really just admit that in public?

But wait there’s more…

A game of Four Corners, and they need another volunteer. I am telling The PP to get up and do it, when the ref looks at me and says, “We have a rule here at Comedy Sportz. When you volunteer your friends you volunteer yourself.” DOH! I know that rule.

So, up I go up on stage to play the game of Four Corners (a.k.a. Four Square). This is a game where you play 15-second scenes with one other person and keep rotating. My two suggestions were The ’80’s and finger painting. I had so much fun with that. I miss improv!

I know you’re wondering, Kelly, why is this blog called “I have a lot of Johns in My Cell Phone?” I’m getting there!

We left Comedy Sportz after busting a gut for an hour and a half, and headed down to Bay 13 in the Pearl District. We were hanging out having a drink when Glitter Boy (John) asks to see my BlackBerry. “You have a lot of Johns in your phone. If I put my number in here how will you know it’s me?”

I take the phone back and go down the list, “This John directed the only horror film I ever did. This is my friend John in Austin. This is my friend John B. at Comedy Sportz. This is my friend John R. at Comedy Sportz. This John is my C.P.A. This Jon is a local TV show host. This John was my high school Lit teacher, who lives on Bainbridge Island now. I can’t help it! I just know a lot of Johns. Just put yourself in there as Glitter Boy,” I said.

I was the designated driver and the tour guide for the evening, so I said “Drink up posse. We’re heading for some great people watching. Would you like to go watch Cougars in the wild at Blue Hour, or would you like to go to the place where I once saw two girls making out on a couch?”

It was a close call, but the couch scene won out over Blue Hour and Cougars.

I know all of you locals are dying to know where the couch incident took place, and it was… District! I was there one night with a group of friends, seated in a cozy alcove in the front window where there are a couple of velvet couches and some plush stools to sit on.

We were minding our own business when these two women across from us started making out, while the young guy sitting between them tried to figure out if this little spectacle was real or imagined. And people on the sidewalk outside were stopping to stare through the window while this is happening! That guy is probably still telling that story to his friends.

So, we all went to District, and as luck would have it, the alcove seating was open. “I’m telling you,” I said to my friends, “That’s where it all happened. Just watch that spot. It’s like a vortex of bad-boy and bad-girl behavior.”

Sure enough, in walks a couple and they sit on the famed red couch. Not five minutes pass before they are standing up, a foot from the back of my head, doing some dirty dancing.

“See,” I say to the posse. “I told you so.”

Okay, so we didn’t see anything really out of the ordinary, but I’m telling you, the devil is in that couch!

I did, however, find the remnants of what looked like a birthday party and used the little box I found to explain the famed Justin Timberlake video to my friends who had never seen it!

At about 1am I had had enough of the loud music and people watching, and signaled the posse that it was time for the designated driver to get some sleep. We all stumbled (not me, I was sober) back to our respective cars and said our goodbyes.


It’s Casual Thursday, and you know what that means…

It’s Casual Thursday and you know what that means…uh, wait a minute, you have no idea what I’m talking about. The term “Casual Thursday” came about a few weeks back when I showed up at my friend Julian’s house at 10am to pick up two cases of wine glasses he was loaning to me for my Wine and Chocolate party.

Julian answered the door in his bathrobe, and I must have looked a bit shocked because he said, “What? Didn’t I tell you? It’s Casual Thursday.”

Julian works from home a lot, so he can go to work in his bathrobe whenever he pleases.

But that’s beside the point. The point is that today is Casual Thursday, which means a casual blog.

Today’s topic: Strange TV Shows I’ve Come Across While Channel Surfing Lately

Cash Cab
Discovery Channel
Another British reality show import. Can we Americans not think of any original reality shows ourselves? Please. Okay, there is The Bachelor, produced by my good friend Sam Korkis, and I use the term friend loosely. We had lunch once and signed a business deal, but I digress. Back to Cash Cab. If you get into the Cash Cab (one of many cabs in New York City) you are bombarded with trivia questions and rewarded with money if you answer correctly. However, should you answer three questions incorrectly before you reach your destination you get kicked to the curb and you have to catch another cab. Who thinks this stuff up?

Moment of Truth
Fox (are you surprised?)

American version of the Columbian game show “Nothing but the Truth”

Prior to the show, a contestant is hooked up to a polygraph and asked 50-70 questions, and their responses are recorded. Without knowing the results of the polygraph, the contestant is asked 21 of those same questions again on the show, each becoming progressively more personal in nature. If the contestant answers honestly as confirmed by the polygraph, he or she moves on to the next question; however, should a contestant lie in his or her answer (as determined by the polygraph) or simply refuse to answer a question after it has been asked, the game ends and the contestant loses all of the prize money accumulated. That’s not the worst of it. The most important people in the contestant’s life (usually a partner, parents, siblings, best friend) are sitting just a few feet away on a couch watching all of this.

I have seen two episodes, and witnessed a 23-year old guy admit to having sex with over 100 women, admitting to never being able to be monogamous, keeping a spreadsheet of all of the women he had had sex with, and all of this within earshot of his girlfriend of two years. I’m sure she’s his ex girlfriend now. I also saw a married man find out a lot more about his wife than he wanted to in the first 10 minutes of the show. I’m guessing they’re not married anymore either.

All of the contestants had one thing in common: over confidence and extreme arrogance. I guess they all thought they could beat the polygraph. Ha!

I just took a look at the application form to be on the show, and here’s what you have to have on your submission tape:

(d) CONTENT: Please include the following in your video: When answering the question, please incorporate the question first than give the answer for example: Do you consider yourself an honest person? I consider myself an honest person because I haven’t told a lie in 20 years.

Please state your name, occupation and where you live. Describe your personality and why you would be a good candidate for The Moment of Truth.

Do you consider yourself an honest person? Describe WHY do you want to be on The Moment of Truth? Explain why you can win the $500,000. What would America say about you if you were on TV? Tell us about your past 3 relationships? (e.g.. are you currently married, divorced, who were you married to, who are you dating, etc.) List your talents / strengths in your life in order of what you do best. Describe your personality at work. Describe your personality when you are at home. Describe your relationship with your Parents. How many brothers and sisters do you have and describe how you feel about each one.

How many friends do you have, and who are they? Describe your last 3 bosses, who did you like best? Least?

Tell us anything else you think we should know about you.

Wow. No thanks.

Deadliest Catch
Discovery Channel

This show follows crab fisherman in the Bering Sea. So you think that sounds boring? My kids were riveted to the screen for the entire episode, watching the crews work five days straight (the length of the season) with almost no sleep, in a boat being tossed around the Bering Sea like a cork. Six crew members died, yes DIED, on the episode I saw. It is an incredibly rough job that pays each crew member about $25,000 for five days work if they get a good haul. I’ll keep my desk job.

Flavor of Love

This reality show stars Flavor Flav of Public Enemy. Do you remember the series Strange Love with Brigitte Nielsen and the short guy with grilles? That’s Flavor Flav, and I believe he’s done three seasons of this Flavor of Love show so far, so he’s had roughly 60 women try to win his love in the past year. The women are given nicknames like Grayvee, Hotlanta, and Thing 1 and Thing 2 (a pair of twins competing as one contestant). Instead of a rose ceremony (ala The Bachelor), there is a clock ceremony, where the contestants are given a giant clock to hang around their neck. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. I don’t see the attraction with Flavor Flav? Am I the only one?

So, there you have it. Casual Thursday. Any strange TV shows you’d like to share?

P.S. Here’s a lousy picture of Jackie Greene and I at KINK yesterday (thanks to my S.O. for inviting me, muah). Jackie played three songs off his new CD “Giving up the Ghost.” I’m a big fan, and Jackie has been in my Top Friends list since we first met two years ago (I saw him open for B.B. King). Better pictures coming from the photographer who was at KINK. Jackie is playing at the Aladdin Theater in Portland on Sunday if you can still get tickets.

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